Listen to me read my own words. It’s not perfect but it’s better than the AI voice^.
The Gist
Be open and honest with your partner about money.
Avoid people who judge you and only offer criticism.
There are common patterns in money fights; try to understand that “why do you spend so much on clothes?” isn’t a judgment of your spending; it’s a reflection of someone’s fear of running out of money. React accordingly.
Lead by example in your relationship(s).
Let’s get into it…
I was two martinis deep at the banquet table when the bride asked me to give a toast at her wedding. “My uncle is giving an off-the-cuff toast. Will you do one? Maybe say something about prosperity?” I was shocked and riddled with anxiety but also deeply touched– this is a friend I love, so I said yes to please her and because I love attention.
As she and her new husband made their way down the large banquet tables, hugging and kissing beloved friends and family, the wheels started turning in my head. What should I say? My internal monologue was running through dozens of ideas to deliver something meaningful. She had put me on the spot, but as a financial advisor, I’m used to providing advice without notice. This time, though, the topic was marriage and love, not stock market performance or 401(k) contributions, but she specifically said “prosperity.” My husband and friends at my table asked, “What are you going to say,” incredulous that I had to give a speech with about ten minutes notice.
I landed on the idea that the most important investment you make in your life is the person you choose to partner with. I told some jokes about being a financial advisor and contributing to your 401(k). Then, I dove into the point about choosing a partner. I spoke first to the groom, telling him about the beautiful, driven, intellectually curious bride he’d chosen, an excellent investment. Then, I turned to the bride and talked about the winning qualities of her future husband. I got some laughs and good reviews, then proceeded to get more drunk and dance so hard I sweated through my blazer before collapsing from exhaustion at the Airbnb. It was a beautiful wedding, a fun wedding, and the next day, I couldn’t stop thinking about the idea of your life partner as an investment.
The Most Important Investment You’ll Ever Make
I spend a lot of time in meetings talking with single and partnered clients about their present worries and future dreams. In finance, the answer to making most dreams happen is simple, at least in theory: spend less money than you make, save 20% of it (a little more if you want to buy a house), and invest those savings in the stock market. Then, just let compound interest and the great money-making machine of the US economy do its thing for a few decades. Easier said than done, of course.
It’s easy to invest in the stock market1. It’s the perfect partner. People are a little more complex.
I’m the first person my clients turn to for a lot of big decisions: what type of portfolio to invest in, how much house they can afford, which job offer to take, when is the best time to sell their Google stock, and so on. But after the wedding speech, it struck me that the decision that will likely have the biggest impact on your financial life is who you choose to partner with or marry.
You chose to spend the rest of your life with this person, someone who you probably love deeply. You share a bed with them, maybe children and pets. You chose them because you’re attracted to them, emotionally and physically. You chose them because they make you laugh, challenge you, and are charismatic. Whatever the reasons you chose them, it probably had nothing to do with the size of their bank account or their relationship to money. That information probably came AFTER you did. Wink.
I know many people who have slept with their eventual long-term partners the first time they met. I don’t know many people who had a deep conversation about their relationship with money and investment philosophy during a first date. That usually comes later2. And in my opinion, it often comes too late. When you choose to partner with someone, it’s for love and a shot at happiness. Unfortunately, the people we fall in love with don’t show us all the nasty bits before we become attached to the good bits. I’m not here to tell you what makes a good husband, wife, or partner; I’m here to share what I’ve observed to be positive and negative qualities that make the financial part of a relationship a lot easier.
My guide to The Talk
A great place to start talking about money with your potential partner is to ask them how their family talked about money growing up – and to think about your own answer to that question. If I had to guess, I’d say 95% of my clients tell me something like, “Money was never discussed in my house growing up, so I have no foundation or good relationship to money. It always seemed like we never had enough.” So neither of you are alone if that’s where you’re starting from. But digging into that is important, for you and your fledgling relationship. “Never had enough” can mean growing up in poverty where there wasn’t enough to eat, or growing up middle-class until a divorce or job loss forced a dramatic lifestyle downgrade. “Not enough money” is different for everyone, but can contain a lot of trauma that shapes how people think and behave as adults. In financial planning, we’re taught that we all have a “money script” that shapes how we make decisions. What are your scripts? Money avoidance? Money worship? Money status? Money vigilance?
Once you’ve figured out your two money scripts, the question becomes whether they’re compatible. Can a money worshipper live happily ever after with a money vigilance?
The financial implications of choosing the wrong partner can be disastrous. Nobody starts off a marriage thinking they are going to get divorced, but recent data tells us first marriages have a 43% chance of ending in divorce. A breakup can be a financial disaster for both spouses. In some cases, many spouses never fully recover financially after a divorce. But it’s not just the contentious splitting of assets or the loss of the spouse’s income; expenses pile up quickly for a separate second apartment, real estate gets sold at the wrong time, and investment portfolios languish from neglect. It’s safe to say that you’ll be worse off financially than you are now after a divorce. So let’s make sure we get those prenups done, folks.
I see so many couples fight about a misalignment in lifestyle quality expectations. One spouse is content living in a cramped but cozy one-bedroom, while the other would stretch the budget a bit for more space in a fancier neighborhood. Maybe one spouse works from home and wants a second bedroom as an office. Lurking below these preferences are fundamental differences in each person’s relationship to money. Is it WORTH it? This situation often results in a lifetime of simmering resentment. The only way out is compromise: the frugal spouse must be willing to appease their partner's wants. It’s almost as if they have a fiduciary duty to put their partner's needs ahead of their own.
Be your spouse’s fiduciary
I love the term fiduciary. As a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ (Yes, I have to capitalize it like that. Yes, I know it means I'm screaming "certified financial planner" at you. Deeply sexy stuff, I know.), I’m a fiduciary and, literally by oath, must act in my client’s best interest at all times; I must put their needs above my own. Practically speaking, this means I don’t sell insurance products to my clients on which I make a commission. This means that I evaluate investment options and make recommendations because they are the best solution for the client's needs, and I never accept money or kickbacks. If a lawyer sends me flowers as a thank you for sending them a client, I have to disclose it. It’s a bit overkill, but I think it’s an important concept. A fiduciary must act this way because the client is putting enormous trust in this person to manage their money.
What if you considered yourself a fiduciary to your partner and always acted in their best interest? What if you put your partner’s needs above your own AT ALL TIMES (that’s what we say as financial advisors)?
Ask for the same in return, but lead by example.
Do they have a favorite ice cream flavor? Randomly buy a pint when you’re at the grocery store. When making a money decision, think about how it will impact your partner and the future health of your relationship. I would guess that if both you and your partner tried to be one another’s fiduciaries, you’d have very few fights about money. Try it out. Let me know how it goes.
A financial planner’s guide to picking a mate
Being a financial planner can often feel like being a marriage counselor. I’ve had to hide my anger as I’ve watched one spouse chastise and infantilize the other for being in credit card debt or spending “too much.” And I’ve seen one spouse about to ask a clarifying question about their investment portfolio get shut down so we can move on to the next topic. After hundreds of conversations with couples about money, I’ve come up with my own opinions about what makes a partner a good or bad “investment.” In meetings with clients, I act in a professional manner, but here in this newsletter, I’ll tell it to you straight with no filter.
Whether or not your partner is a “good investment” has nothing to do with how much money they do or don’t have; it’s about how they react and what deeply held beliefs they have about money. Do they possess the qualities and convictions that make them adept at handling situations of wealth and scarcity? Said another way: are they going to come through when shit gets bad, and are they going to turn into an asshole if you have so much money you don’t know what to do with it all?
I’m half-joking when I call partners an investment, but these are serious matters. At the most extreme, we have cases of financial abuse where a partner cannot leave an abusive relationship because they feel they would be financially unstable without their abuser. I’ve never witnessed financial abuse, but I have noticed icky qualities in both men and women that make me want to tell the other partner to run away and find someone else.
The “red flag” 🚩 qualities I’ve observed often have a lot to do with personality and what someone’s childhood was like. I don’t necessarily have a solution if the person you love possesses some of these negative qualities. However, scheduling some monthly time to talk about money or seeing a couples therapist might help. My husband and I do a quarterly financial review meeting, but we’re obviously finance freaks!
The most common money fights I hear, what to say instead, and when it’s a 🚩
The “I’m judging you” fight
What it sounds like: “You bought another pair of shoes?” “We could make enough money to buy our own place if you’d just advocate for yourself at work enough.”
How to respond instead: Judging your partner will not make them want to change their behavior. It diminishes them and makes them feel bad about themselves, and is great at sucking all the happiness out of a relationship.
Changing our behavior is hard. If that’s what you’re after, you can try supporting them to make a bigger change – “Have you thought about working with someone to help with a salary negotiation?” – or leading by example. Say you’re trying to build up your savings. Just start putting $100 a week into a savings account. Tell your partner, but don’t expect or demand that they help. They may join in.
When it’s a 🚩: When the judgment is actually shame, and they’re making you feel like a bad person.
The “we can’t afford that” fight
What it sounds like: “I’m really not comfortable with a European vacation this year.”
How to respond instead: It’s normal for couples to disagree about how much they’re willing to spend on different things. I like using the that business principle “disagree and commit” which was used at Amazon and Intel for this purpose. When you and your partner disagree on something, someone has to back down, the decision has to be made, and everyone must move forward. Even if you don’t like the outcome, you don’t just deal with it; you embrace it. You wanted to go to Europe on vacation, but your partner said they didn’t feel comfortable spending so much money. Could you go camping instead? Well, you’ll be the most enthusiastic camper the world has ever seen. You will have a great time. By the way, the disagreement and commitment need to come from both partners. If you need to keep score about who is doing the disagreeing and committing, be my guest.
When it’s a 🚩: When it’s not about comfort with discretionary spending, and someone’s talking about spending your rent or mortgage on something you don’t need.
The “why don’t you just” fight
What it sounds like: “Why don’t you just pay off your credit card?” “Why don’t you just pursue something that actually matters to you?” “Why don’t you just enjoy your money?”
What to say instead: Go back to My Guide to The Talk and start there. This one is wrapped up in so much generational trauma and privilege I’m going to need another 2,000 words. But the basic idea is this: someone without empathy assumes you ended up where you did because you didn’t try hard enough. They resent you for not being fast enough to do something. They may think you’re “bad with money” because you’re in credit card debt and judge you for it. But they don’t know that you’re the only caretaker of a parent and have to support them financially.
Instead, try and understand where someone’s coming from. I wish money was just rational, but it’s not.
When it’s a 🚩: Partners who lack empathy are self-interested and will ignore your needs and requests for help because they think they are better than you. Avoid at all costs.
The “I don’t care about money” fight”
What it sounds like: “I don’t care about money,” or your partner shuts down when you try to talk about it.
What to stay instead: Start from a place of curiosity and learning, and see if you can bring them into it. That starts with getting yourself a solid financial education. Study compound interest and do some investing on your own (more on that later). Another great option: read this newsletter! Even better, listen to my first podcast, Moneysplained, for a well-rounded financial education covering everything from investing in the stock market to paying taxes as a freelancer. If you are nervous about investing, read Jim Collins’ book The Simple Path to Wealth. Or read Beth Kobliner’s excellent book on personal finance.
When it’s a 🚩: A complete lack of interest in money is dangerous. This may come from some trauma from the past, or it could come from a very comfortable upbringing where there was always enough money. If your partner is avoidant or shuts down whenever money comes up, you’re in for a long road ahead. Big decisions will get delayed. You’ll start to feel like the bad guy who is constantly hounding your partner to discuss something as simple as refinancing your mortgage.
The “we don’t talk about money” fight
What it sounds like: “He won’t tell me how much he makes.” “She didn’t tell me about her parents’ money, or that it would be quid pro quo.” “I’m not even sure how much we’re working from for our down payment.”
What to stay instead: Open up. Be open and honest with your partner about your debt and spending habits and ask for the same in return.
When it’s a 🚩: I don’t necessarily believe your partner should be able to see every account and transaction you make, but if your partner is vague and mysterious when you try to talk about money, you need to know why. They could be hiding debt, a gambling addiction, or a vast fortune. These are all need-to-know facets of someone’s financial life. Should you leave the person you love because they have a gambling addiction? No, not necessarily. But you need to have this information if you’re going to build a life with someone. Information and data are crucial to making good decisions.
My final two pieces of advice for every couple
Spend less money than you make.
Yep, I said it. Stop buying shit you can’t afford. If you cannot save money each month into a 401(k) or savings account, it’s time to change. This might mean pausing on dinners out with friends for a month or two, deleting Instagram so you stop clicking on ads, moving to a cheaper place, selling your car, or something else. It’s different for everyone, but if you’re in credit card debt, your first and primary objective is to get out of it and adjust your lifestyle. Oh, and by the way, another way to spend less than you make is to keep spending the same amount but MAKE more money. So, getting a higher-paying job or a second income stream could be part of the answer. I'm sorry if this feels impossible to you and I’ve made you angry. I come from a place of empathy, but something in your life has to change, even if it feels impossible.
Laugh through the absurd and the awful.
I like to call this one “the flat tire test.” Imagine driving with your partner in a rental car to your vacation hotel. It’s pouring rain, and you get a flat tire. You’re in a foreign country, and this situation is terrible. How does your partner react? Will they laugh at the absurdity and awfulness, or will they completely shut down and get so angry that you’re afraid to speak? Are you capable of getting out of this situation? Can you calm your nerves, gather your thoughts, and make an action plan? Not everyone is capable of this, so at least try to support the partner in trying to solve the problem. Can you make this into a funny story to share with friends later, or is this awful predicament going to end in a screaming match?
Laughing helps.
Parting shot: money changes everything, but it shouldn’t ruin strong romantic connections.
Before we go…
The best $20 bucks I spent this week: an espresso martini at Kitchen in the Desert in Twentynine Palms, California. It was perfectly balanced and not too sweet.
And by the stock market, I mean investing in ETFs and mutual funds representing thousands of companies in the US and abroad. I mean a broadly diversified portfolio managed by someone who knows what they are doing and understands your tax situation. But that’s a topic for another time.
Sadly for the single men of New York City, I met my husband before I became a financial advisor and didn’t get a chance to ruin many first dates with my financial dogma.
First-time commenter, a long-time follower of your work. I'm a financial planner with a background in financial psychology. This is all so spot on. We need more content like this in the world.
I love the idea of being a fiduciary to your romantic partner. Their needs become your needs. That's love, baby.